Hello! Seiiti Arata. There are two ways to calm down quickly. And it only takes 2 minutes. Maybe less.
I’ll show you both of them in this video. Obviously, this explanation will take longer than two minutes. I want to explain everything very clearly, and in detail. When you put it all into practice, you’ll realise that it’s possible to regain you composure in just a few seconds.
1. Change your physiology to change your emotions
Did you know that you can work out someone’s emotions from their facial expressions? There are professionals who study them to identify which emotions we’re feeling – just from our facial expressions. Cool, right?
There’s a TV series called Lie To Me which was inspired by the work of the author Paul Ekman. He writes about the science of microexpressions. In the show, they use these same techniques to detect lies and solve crimes.
However, our body doesn’t only display the emotions we’re feeling. It can also influence them. By making changes to our body, we can also alter our emotions.
Picture yourself taking an intense swimming lesson. Exercise to your limit, to the point where your heart is beating furiously and you can’t catch your breath. In this situation it is physiologically impossible for you to feel sad. All your physiology is focused on the effort you’re making. There’ll be no room for sadness with your heart beating this fast.
So, how can you use this theory to calm down in two minutes or less? By deliberately changing the way you breathe and move your body.
For example, you can close your eyes and take a deep breath. Then exhale slowly. Now touch the area around your eyebrows to release some tension. Avoid making the face you usually do when you’re angry. Stretch out your skin to relax your face. Do the same with your shoulders. This is another part of your body that will probably be tense.
There are some people who are so anxious and nervous that using this method can even make them angrier. They even find watching this demonstration infuriating. What these people need is a new way of thinking.
2. Find out what is motivating your anger
At the beginning of this video, I told you there were two ways of calming down quickly, right? The first is the most basic. I suggested you change your physiology. If this didn’t do the trick, you should work on your personal development.
Now remember, I’m not trying to offend you, okay? But I am going to provoke you a little to help you work on your patience. Let’s use a dog as an analogy.
Dogs have a very low level of consciousness. Imagine you’re walking and you accidentally step on a dog’s tail. It’s very likely that it will bark at you, get nervous, and go for you. What else do you expect? The dog is behaving like an animal.
Similarly, you could react in the same way. Can you keep calm when you’re angry? Have you considered doing the exercises I just taught you about changing your physiology? If you resisted them, I have to tell you that there’s a very strong irrational force determining your choices. It’s as if you wanted to stay angry, on purpose. There’s something behind that anger. People try to calm you down and you just say “There’s no way I’m going to calm down! I’m angry! Everyone just go to hell!”.
If this feels like you, you need to use your brain. You need to think rationally. Not like a dog. Not like an animal.
I want to ask you a question, so I can help you: What’s so good about not wanting to calm down?
If you lose your cool because of frustration, it means there’s a problem you have to resolve. When you aren’t calm, not only are you not resolving this problem, you’re creating another: your own anger.
It’s like wanting to hit someone with a hot coal. You’ll burn your own hand before you even throw it. This shouldn’t be a surprise.
3. A practical example
I’ll give you a practical example of how you can use this process.
Imagine I’m talking with a friend and he says something stupid, or does something that always irritates me. So I get angry.
Thanks to my personal development, I sense what’s going on. It’s as if I was watching myself. I see my transition: I leave my normal state and enter a state of anger. It’s as if I was being filmed.
When I maintain this level of clarity, I can work out what is provoking my anger. In this example, I realise that I didn’t receive the respect I was hoping for. My friend didn’t respect me so I got mad.
I also use my intelligence and memory. I remember the moments me and my friend have lived through, and the respect he has shown me. We’ve had a lot of laughs. He’s helped me through some difficult times… So, in general, he’s a good person. But there are some situations, like this one, where I get mad at him..
Now I have everything in view. It’s completely different to the closed and narrow perspective of anger. This view allows me to isolate the one specific thing that’s bothering me. Now I can calm down. Clearly and calmly, I explain to him what annoyed me.
I communicate clearly. With honesty. This is assertiveness. It’s the opposite of being angry. It’s different to being passive-aggressive, waiting for the chance to respond and humiliate him.
There will be times when your anger is so strong you could lose control. Sooner or later the people around you will ask if you’ve gone crazy. They are letting you know that your behavior isn’t normal.
This is a very important sign. You shouldn’t ignore it.
You obviously have some problems with the way you deal with the challenges in your life. You should be curious and humble enough to look for help in getting better.
Maybe you’re looking for specific support to help you communicate. We have a whole program on assertiveness. It’s called How To Say No. It’s a course to help you keep calm and respect your limits. You’ll strengthen your emotional intelligence.
You can check this link to find out more about this course: http://arata.se/howtosayno